


(that love comes) down without devotion

by lipgallagher



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: 5 Times, Canon Compliant, M/M, read as: this is why we cant have nice things i guess, this is your biannual reminder that king steve is sometimes an awful nightmare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipgallagher/pseuds/lipgallagher
Summary: It feels a little like being attacked, but it feels a little like love, too.It doesn't feel likeSteveis in love, because he's not.He'snotin love, but maybe Billy is, because Steve has felt like this before, but only withgirls, girls who spread their legs and moaned his name and opened up their mouths for this same sort of soft dream-soaked loved-up kiss.ALTERNATIVELY: six months where steve harrington attempts to sell ice cream, grow as a person, and fight billy hargrove for dominance.





	1. the (city is at) war

**Author's Note:**

> things are extra rough this week and i cant sleep and i saw exactly one s3 spoiler that intrigued me so...this exists now.  
> sorry.

_get on your knees if you want to reach the top._  
_the party never stops—_

Steve doesn't know what's wrong with him.

He _doesn't_ know what's wrong, but lately, he's been feeling  _real_  fucked up.

Tonight, he's leaving Nancy's place at nine-twenty, _without_ Dustin, and he's pissed off, because seeing Nancy _always_ pisses him off, and, yeah, it's _her_ house, so he _knew_ he was gonna see her, but he _only_ came by to pick Dustin up, because Dustin wrote three essays for Steve last month in exchange for Steve driving him around for the rest of _this_ month, but then Dustin didn't call to let Steve know that he was getting a ride home from  _Jonathan_ , who was probably only here tonight so that he could fuck the breath right out of Nancy, so.

_Yeah_.

Steve is _fucking_ pissed off, so of _course_  Billy Hargrove is hanging around outside the house, smoking a cigarette, watching Steve walk across the lawn like he's having a goddamn religious experience, and that's not _new_ , but it feels more annoying than it usually does, which is _really_ saying something, and.

It's March, so Steve has known Billy for a while now?

He knows that Billy is violent, and fast, and fucking  _mean_ , but.

Billy's got his soft spots, too.

Sometimes, if Steve's having a really bad day, Billy seems to  _notice_ , and he leaves Steve alone. 

But, sometimes, if Steve's having a _really_ bad day, Billy seems to notice, and he pushes Steve even harder than usual. 

And, _sometimes_ , if Steve's having a really bad day, Steve pushes Billy _back_ , so. 

Billy _knows_ what Steve looks like when he's angry, but he chose to stick around, anyway, and _that's_ on him.

"What the  _fuck_ are you looking at, asshole?"

Billy shrugs, grins, licks his lips when he replies, "I'm looking at _you_ , King Steve."

" _Yeah_." Steve rolls his eyes. "Why don't you fucking  _stop_ looking at me, okay?" 

Billy's still smiling, but he looks a little more like he's forcing it when he bites out, "Are you trying to tell me what to  _do_ , pretty boy?"

Steve is bad at fighting, but that's always been okay, because he doesn't even  _like_ fights?

He knows some guys love the thrill of a good fistfight, or something like that, but he's  _not_ one of them. 

He's not  _like_ that, but. 

He still sneers, " _Yeah_ , man."

Billy laughs _so_ fucking loudly that a couple of lights turn on in the house next door, and then the Wheeler's door opens up, and someone calls out, "You boys drive safe!"

The last time Steve took his eyes off of Billy in a situation like this, he ended up flat on his back on the ground, so it would be fucking _stupid_ to do that shit again, right?

But Steve's been feeling so fucking _weird_.

He doesn't know what's _wrong_ with him.

He's been doing a lot of dumb shit.

He turns around, waves, calls back, "Sure thing, Mrs Wheeler!"

When he turns back to Billy, the guy is already backing up, opening his door, but he's _still_ eyeing Steve like something _wild_ is happening to him.

Behind Billy, Max is looking up at Steve, all wide blue fear-blown eyes, and.

Behind _Steve_ , the Wheelers' front door closes.

As long as he keeps his voice down, Max won't be able to hear him over the rush of the wind, so Steve twists one of Billy's blond curls around two of his fingers, presses in _so_ close that he can feel the warmth coming off of Billy's body, murmurs delicately, "You _gotta_ stop checking me out, Hargrove. I'm  _never_ gonna get desperate enough to fuck you."

When Billy shoves Steve away from him, he _doesn't_ hold back, so Steve stumbles, _sure_ , but he doesn't fall, because, as it turns out, he's actually _really_ good at planting his feet.

Billy seems surprised, but.

Only a _little_ bit? 

"I don't fucking  _want_ —"

"Yeah, you  _do_ ," Steve argues, but. He doesn't actually know if it's true? _Sure_ , Billy checks him out in the showers, but maybe that's _normal_ , because Steve used to check out other guys in gym class, too. He quit somewhere around the tenth grade, but. Yeah. Maybe it's normal. _Maybe_ , but Steve's _never_ gonna admit it, so. "You're always on me like you wanna get  _fucked_."

And Steve is on the ground again, with Billy looming over him, and it's _almost_ funny, but it doesn't hurt as much as it did the last time?

He guesses it's probably because the Wheelers have such nice grass outside of their house. 

Maybe it's because of that, or.

_Maybe_ it's because Steve is suddenly pretty sure that it would be _real_ easy to get Billy Hargrove on his knees and fucking  _begging_ for Steve's dick.

_—for the young and rich._  
_ignore me if you see me, because I just don't give a shit._


	2. damn (you look good, and i'm drunk)

_here's the truth: you're kind of hot._  
_but, when you open up to talk, I can feel—_

Steve doesn't _love_ kissing.

He doesn't love kissing, _or_ eating pussy, _or_ listening to three-hour-long complaints about whatever the fuck girls care about. 

He knows how to  _pretend_ he loves doing all that, though, because he's eighteen, and he's already had _three_ serious girlfriends, and _nineteen_ casual ones, starting with Carla Williamson in the fifth grade, and ending with Nancy Wheeler, last year, but that's not counting Mandy Roberts, who let him fuck her in the alley behind the Radio Shack over Spring Break. 

He knows how to pretend he's having a good time with a girl, just enough to keep her happy, but that's not the same as  _really_ liking it?

That's not just  _him_ , though.

No, it's  _definitely_ normal, because Tommy never liked that shit, either.

Tommy likes fights, and he never really seemed like he was checking out the other guys in the locker room, and he's been with Carol for _years_ , but.

The night after Tommy's bar mitzvah, he and Steve split a bottle of Manischewitz and made out in fast messy sweet bites, and then started laughing so hard that Tommy's dad walked in to yell at them, and that should have been sobering, but it _wasn't_ , because it was _that_ good of a kiss.

Up until they stopped talking to each other, Tommy was _still_ swearing up and down that that was the  _best_ kiss he  _ever_ had, because kissing girls was  _so_ fucking boring, in comparison.

For a long time, Steve felt like he understood that, but.

Then he _didn't_ anymore, because kissing Nancy felt  _way_ better than kissing Tommy. 

But this is nice, too, and  _this_ is Billy Hargrove, drunk off his ass, or stoned, or maybe a little bit of both, in the backyard at Chrissie Smythe's house, kissing Steve in the dark. 

It's not like it's a game of Truth or Dare, or Seven Minutes In Heaven, or Spin The Bottle gone wrong.

Steve was innocently chugging a beer, trying to psych himself up to walk home, when he heard someone say his name, so he turned around, and then suddenly Billy was pushing him up against Chrissie's chain-link fence, forcing his tongue into Steve's mouth, holding him in place by his biceps, and.

It's nice.

It's _weird_ , and it feels a little like being _attacked_ , but maybe Steve  _likes_ feeling like that, because it's fucking  _nice_.

It feels a  _little_ like being attacked, but it feels a little like love, too.

It doesn't feel like  _Steve_ is in love, because he's not.

He's  _not_ in love, but maybe Billy is, because Steve has felt like this before, but only with  _girls_ , girls who spread their legs and moaned his name and opened up their mouths for this same sort of soft dream-soaked loved-up kiss.

He's expecting Billy to push for more, but the guy just keeps pressing in for kiss after kiss after _kiss_.

Slow, steady, _easy_ , like Billy thinks Steve is gonna keep letting him do it. 

_Steve_ hasn't been doing keg stands all night, and  _Steve's_ body isn't tired out from training for lacrosse all month, and Steve  _could_ push Billy away from him, but Billy is always looking at Steve like he's fucking hungry for  _something_ , and it can't just be  _kissing._  

Boys don't  _like_ kissing. 

And Steve's never actually _told_ anyone to suck his dick, because he's not _smart_ , but he's not  _that_ fucking dumb? 

But he doesn't think Billy's going to offer to do it on his own, like girls usually do because they think they _have_ to, so. 

So, he's got his mouth half-open, but so does _Billy_ , Billy who's holding him up, who's not looking at Steve, who's murmuring low and heavy and _hungry_ , "I could eat you _up_ , baby," and Steve doesn't know what the word is for the kind of noise that slips out of his mouth, but it makes Billy grin, a little less hungry and a _hell_ of a lot sweeter, when he sighs, "I bet you get  _loud_ , King Steve," and Steve shakes his head, because he  _doesn't_ get loud in bed. Steve knows how to make a _girl_ come so hard she _screams_ , but _he's_ not like that, and. And Billy offers, "How about I make you _scream_? Get you _crying_ , moaning like a fucking whore? You want to _do_ it for me, baby? Gonna _give_ that to me?"

Billy wouldn't be doing any of this if he was sober. 

Billy reeks of Schlitz and cigarette smoke and at least _two_ different kinds of cologne.

Billy is a fucking _mess_.

_Steve_ is sober, though, more or less, and.

Talking girls out of their panties is his one area of expertise in life.

Well, he's been getting pretty good at killing monsters, but, _realistically_ , Steve's never gonna need to do _that_ again, is he?

No.

He _knows_ what's happening here, because he's set things up like this before, _too_.

He doesn't need to hear Billy come out and say it for him for him to know what Billy wants.

He's not interested in _doing it_ for Billy, or  _giving that_ to Billy, but his cock is  _so fucking hard_ , and he's had it better than this before, because _this_ is awkward and mostly-unwanted and so incredibly gay that Steve is probably gonna need  _therapy_ , or something, but Billy's hand works its way down the front of his jeans, and it feels _so_ good that Steve thinks he might just come,  _right now_ , and the grin on Billy's face says that he fucking _knows_ it.

Steve doesn't care.

He's not embarrassed.

He's just shocked, because he's experiencing something he thought was almost _impossible_ , because.

He doesn't _like_ kissing, but the top three kisses of his life belong to Tommy, to Nancy, and.

And to _Billy_.

That's how fucking _good_ this is.

Steve's not desperate, but he wants _more_ , and that's okay, because he _knows_  that Billy wants to give it to him.

All he has to do is lay that out for Billy, who _might_ not even see it coming, because Billy is probably a _the first time always hurts, stop fucking crying_ kind of a guy if he's really walking around town, kissing people who have no _fucking_ interest in him, saying shit like, _how about I make you scream?_

Steve _knows_ that that works sometimes, but he's never been a big fan of that approach.

Most nights, if he tried treating Billy like he would treat a girl, said  _you're so beautiful_ , and _is this your first time? I wanna make it special_ , and _let's go back to my house_ , Billy would probably knock him out, but,  _tonight_ , Billy's drunk and dumb and _obviously_ desperate, so Steve kind of thinks he's gonna fall for it.

It's sixty degrees, and the blue-black shirt Billy's wearing is unbuttoned, threatening to spill _right_ off of his shoulders, showing off a mostly-faded bruise Steve guesses Billy forgot about.

It doesn't look like something he could have gotten in a fight at school, but now that basketball season is over, Billy plays lacrosse two towns over, and Steve's been too busy with swimming to pay attention to lacrosse gossip, but if Billy had been in a fight, Steve probably would have heard about it from Max, or Tommy, or Billy himself.

There are a _shitload_ of reasons to wanna hit somebody like Billy, but Steve can only think of a couple reasons why Billy wouldn't want anyone to _know_ about it.

Either Billy's just crazy, or.

Or maybe he gets in a lot of trouble at home.

Steve's never been with a girl who had a rough time at home, but he's pretty sure it's just like being with any _other_ girl, except maybe being a little bit more protective, or something?

Girls like that are needy, so it's gotta be like dating someone who's _always_ got her period. 

He laughs into Billy's mouth, gets Billy stepping back half a step, licking his swollen pink lips, demanding, " _What_?"

Steve should keep this to himself, and he _knows_ it, but he doesn't want to lose track of this joke, so.

He tugs Billy closer, licks his own tongue over Billy's lips, whispers, "You kiss like a fucking _girl_ ," and he's _expecting_ to see Billy take another step back, but he doesn't. 

Not right away.

Billy's eyes are wide, _furious_ , maybe something edging on horrified, and Steve has only seen him look like this _once_ , back in November, just for a few seconds, right before Billy knocked him out, but it's different now.

It's _different_ , because Billy kisses like a  _girl_ , and his hair's this trashed golden mess of sprayed-sticky curls like Rapunzel gone bad, and he probably just needs a gentle hand to make him feel better, or something, and that means, _what_?

Kisses, and _maybe_ blowjobs, and _maybe_ Steve's going to have to listen to Billy complain about how much he hates the other guys who play lacrosse?

Maybe, but.

Billy steps back, once, twice, and Steve _should_ let him go, because he didn't even _want_ to kiss Billy,  _anyway_ , but he's still feeling fucked up, these days, and that's probably what gets him sighing, "You're fucking _beautiful_ , Billy Hargrove."

And Billy stops dead in his tracks, bites down on his lip, narrows his eyes into a glare like he's trying to _physically_ spot a lie, while Steve opens his mouth to say it again, because needy girls need reassurance, so _Billy_ probably does, _too_ , and.

And two people spill out of Chrissie's house, kissing and talking and drinking, and the girl won't stop whining, _baby, baby, God, babe, I'm ready, no, I'm not too drunk, let's do it, please, we can go to my house, my dad's not home_ , and.

And Billy is up the stairs and inside of the house before Steve can even shut his mouth. 

_—you're up to no good, but, damn, you look good, and I'm drunk._  
_now, you've got me kind of thinking like...maybe I would?_


	3. (guilty) pleas(ur)e

_you can dish it, but can you really take it?_  
_you're never going to get it—_

Billy's eyes don't move off of the radio dial when he bites out, " _Look_ , we're all  _guys_  here, right? You should take that off. You're gonna get _sick_ , and. _Jesus_ , King Steve, I've _already_ seen you naked."

_Yeah_ , they're both guys.

Billy is a _gay_ guy, or something, though, and that _kind of_ changes things?

But.

He _has_ seen Steve in the showers, at school, so.

_Fine_.

Steve strips out of his jacket, then pulls his rain-damp sweatshirt over his head, leans back in his seat waiting for something to happen. 

There's another long slow boring minute before Billy _finally_ settles on a radio station that's playing Springsteen's _Dancing in the Dark_ , and then he turns his head, eyes Steve up and down, decides, "Well done, pretty boy. Good work."

It's eleven-thirty in the morning, Steve's hungover as hell, and it's _starting_ to seem like Billy is trying to get Steve to punch him in the face again, and Steve's _not_ looking forward to _that_.

Honestly, Steve's trying as hard as he can to avoid that.

About an hour ago, he pulled out a joint, offered Billy the first hit, said, _just being friendly, man. Don't you wanna be friends with me?_

He fucking _knows_ Billy doesn't wanna be his friend, in the exact same way that he knows girls are more likely to put out if they're a little bit stoned, but it wasn't _like_ that.

He was just feeling kind of weird, so he needed to calm down, and it was a rough morning, and, _anyway_ , he'd never seen Billy get high before, so.

There were a lot of factors to consider.

Billy's not smoking, so Steve _still_ hasn't seen him get stoned, but the windows are all closed, so Billy's _gotta_ be feeling it, a little bit.

_Maybe_.

Steve's not sure.

He feels a lot _more_ sure when Billy yawns, out of nowhere, "I fucking _hate_ when you're getting head and the bitch won't suck on your balls."

Steve doesn't really care what Billy likes in bed, but  _hate_ implies a level of intensity that Steve's pretty sure is uncalled for?

Steve's seen Billy in the shower, so he _knows_ that Billy doesn't usually use soap, so  _he_ wouldn't wanna put his mouth anywhere near Billy's nuts, _either_ , but it's not worth fighting about.

"Yeah, uh. Me, too."

Like Steve didn't just fucking _agree_ with him, Billy asks, "What about you?"

"What _about_ me?"

"What do you hate?"

"About what? About _girls_?" When Billy nods, Steve rolls his eyes, sighs, shrugs, "Um? I don't know."

Billy rolls his eyes, too. " _Sure_ , Harrington."

They're parked out by the quarry, because Billy wanted to drive, and then he wanted to come out here, and Steve didn't have the heart to tell him that people _only_ come out here to fool around, that it's a _miracle_ they haven't run into anybody else yet, that people are going to start gossiping about them if they keep doing gay shit like this.

Steve didn't have the heart to say any of that, because, two weeks ago, Billy got suspended for hitting Jack O'Reilly with a folding chair during an assembly, and, according to Max, he hasn't been allowed out of the house since, _not even_ to take Max to school.

Billy's been at home, but he's got a black eye, and he was walking funny when Steve saw him heading down Main Street, and it's _raining_ outside, so Steve pulled over for him.

He figured he would take Billy home and move on with his day, but Billy gestured to the diner on the corner, said _my dad's. My family's in there; I have to go back in_ , covered his hand with the sleeve of his jacket when he realized Steve was staring at his steadily swelling raw-red knuckles and added on, _I hit a wall_.

Steve didn't fucking _ask_ what Billy hit, but it _was_ kind of reassuring to know that it wasn't a person?

But then it seemed like Billy didn't actually _want_ to go back into the diner, and Steve couldn't take Billy back to his house, because he left his house for a fucking _reason_.

He didn't tell Billy about it, because Billy didn't ask, and, unlike _Billy_ , Steve knows how to keep shit to himself, but.

His parents are home. 

They've been home since Wednesday afternoon, but, last night, Steve burned his hand when he was trying to take pizza out of the oven, and Mom freaked out as soon as she realized that Steve _wasn't_ freaking out, and then Steve overheard her telling Dad that she thought something was wrong with Steve, and _then_ , this morning, Steve went downstairs for breakfast and found Dad sitting in the dining room, holding onto Steve's unsent college admissions essay, asking, _did you think this was a creative writing assignment? Why would you write something like this? Steven, this is about hunting monsters_ , so. 

His parents think he's crazy, or on drugs, or maybe  _both_ , so Billy doesn't know it, but he's the most reliable person in Steve's life, because, this morning, he heard Steve start saying, _listen, man, my dad's an asshole, too_ , and Billy instantly snapped, _look, I believe that you believe that we're going through the same shit, okay? Now, I need you to realize that I'm not saying we are going through the same shit; I'm just saying I completely believe it's what you think is true_ , and that was when Steve took out his weed, because he felt nauseous and scared and overwhelmingly aggressive, so he needed to settle down.

But that was an hour ago.

Now, it's almost noon, and.

"Holy _shit_ ; what the  _fuck_ is _that_?!"

"... _what_?"

Billy's staring out the window, shaking his head, starting the car  _real_ fast as he mutters, "Nothing. I mean, I. I _saw_ something, but. It was nothing." 

It wasn't _nothing_ if it scared him _that_ bad, but Steve lets it go, because he's a bad friend and a bad boyfriend for the same reason, and the reason is that he's _fucking_ selfish. 

He doesn't _care_ if Billy's scared or uncomfortable or unhappy, because _he's_ unhappy, and that matters _more_.

They're halfway back to town when Steve groans, "I'm gonna throw up," and it's _his_ car, not Billy's, so Billy shouldn't care, but he looks at Steve once, twice, bites hard on his lip and pulls the car to a stop.

Steve's just going to take a few deep breaths and get back into the car.

That's _absolutely_ what he's going to do, but, somehow, he's down on his knees before he knows what's going on, and Billy's getting out of the car, too, looking around nervously, then gathering the tips of Steve's hair away from his face as he sighs, " _Okay_ , come on, try again. Get it _all_ , Harrington," and, "Yeah. _Yeah_ , that's good. Give it up for me," and, "I think that's it. How do you feel? You all done now, pretty boy?"

There's something deceptively dark making its way out of Billy's throat.

It's getting worse with every word, but Steve's comforted _way_ more drunk girls than he's _ever_ gonna admit, so he feels pretty safe?

The worst thing Billy can do is hit him again, or.

_Okay_ , the worst thing Billy can do is _fuck_ him, but even _Billy's_ not gross enough to want to fuck somebody right after he watched them throw up.

He eases Steve up off of the pavement with one arm, which is the most _disgusting_ display of strength Steve has _ever_ witnessed, and it's.

It's _quick_ , too, so. 

Steve leans forward to puke again, and Billy's arm loosens up, just a little, but his hips rock forward when he sighs into Steve's ear, " _Alright_. That's okay. You can do it. Just take it slow."

Maybe he can't fucking  _see_  Billy's cock,  _fine_ , but he can fucking  _feel_  how hard it is, so.

That's enough.

Steve's _not_  getting fucked on the side of the highway in the pouring rain, because he's not interested in catching pneumonia,  _and_  he's not gay,  _and_  he thinks it's fucking  _disgusting_ that Billy apparently  _is_ the kind of fucked up pervert who gets hard when people throw up.

He thinks it's true, so he sighs, "I'm okay now, I'm. I'm _done_ ," and he waits for Billy to let him go, and.

And then he pukes one more time, so Billy sighs one more time, combs his fingers _right_ back through Steve's hair, turns his voice into a slow soothing slur of  _okay_ and  _good_ and  _baby_.

_Baby_?

Jesus Christ.

Maybe it wasn't any  _different_ when he said it in April, but, right now, Billy is _way_ too sober to be talking to Steve like that.

When Billy walks around the car to get back in the front, Steve gets into the backseat, just so he can _breathe_ , and. 

Billy slides in next to him, saying, "Let me do something to you," and Steve gets where Billy's trying to take this  _right away_ , and he doesn't think any less of Billy for seeing an opportunity and grabbing it?

But.

God.

_To you_  is a fucked up way to put it. 

If he had said _let me do something for you_ , Steve would be more interested in letting him do whatever the hell he wants to do, but. 

Earlier, Steve thought it was a little weird that Billy got a tiny bit stoned and _immediately_ started thinking about blowjobs, but he thinks _everything_  about Billy is weird, so he didn't think too hard about it. 

He's thinking about it a hell of a lot more now that Billy's pressing Steve down onto his back, murmuring, "Breathe into it, baby. You'll _like_ this," and Steve doesn't know how true that is, but he's not wearing a shirt, and his jeans are down around one of his ankles, and Billy Hargrove is sucking his dick.

He's not taking it like a girl.

Girls usually act nervous at first, and then they get a little more enthusiastic when Steve starts saying shit like,  _please_ , and _thank you_ , and _oh my God, yeah, that's great, you're doing great_ , but, considering the circumstances, Steve doesn't really wanna risk talking to Billy like that?

_Anyway_ , Billy's not choking or crying or blushing, so he might not need encouragement at all, but he keeps shifting his shoulders like he's uncomfortable, and Steve doesn't know what the hell to do with _that_ , because it's not like Steve is fucking _forcing_ the guy to be here.

Steve never _asked_ for this.

Billy _wanted_ to do it.

Billy thinks he's doing something _nice_ for Steve, right? 

_Whatever_.

Steve's getting his dick wet, and that's _great_ , because it's been a while. 

May has been a lot drier than usual, and April was slow before that, and, _actually_ , the whole _year_ has been a little too slow?

It's starting to look like girls aren't lining up for him anymore.

Right now, it's kind of hard to care about that, because Billy's prettier than most of the girls Steve knows, and he spends a lot of time on his hair, which Steve can respect, _obviously_ , and Billy must think that Steve hasn't figured out the connection, here, but Jack O'Reilly sits two seats away from Steve in English class, and Jack O'Reilly has _always_ had a big mouth _and_ a fucked up sense of humor  _and_ a lot of misplaced hatred for Steve, ever since they played Little League together.

He doesn't know what Jack said to get Billy angry enough to _hit him with a chair_ , but it must have been real bad, because, _sure_ , Billy's a pretty angry guy, but he's not _that_ fucking angry? 

He doesn't just haul off and fucking _attack_ people in public, but he hit Jack, got himself suspended, got himself into more trouble at home, and all because, _what_?

He _likes_ Steve?

Shit.

_Lots_ of people have liked Steve before, but no one's ever done anything like _that_. 

Billy gags, pulls off a couple inches, probably thinks Steve can't see his eyes tearing up.

Steve's a bad friend, a bad boyfriend, a bad _person_. 

He's not gonna tell Billy to stop just because Billy's not as good at this as he thought he would be.

He didn't fucking _tell_ Billy to give him head.

Billy  _wanted_ to do it, and.

And Steve's selfish, and Steve's an asshole, and after Will got back from the Upside Down, Steve heard the term _touch-starved_ a lot, mostly from Nancy, but he never really knew what the hell it meant.

_Yeah_ , he saw Will hugging his mom all the time, but Steve thought it was just because the kid was twelve years old, but then, one day, last month, maybe two weeks ago, Steve finished up in English, he went outside to smoke, he stole a cigarette straight out of Billy's hand as he asked, _hey, man, you know what touch-starved means? It was on a essay question I just had, and I don't know if I fucked it up_.

Billy stared after his cigarette for a minute, then sighed,  _parts of your body stop working if you're alone for too long. Sleep, appetite, personality changes, so. You have to talk to people, touch people, whatever. Humans are supposed to be social, that's why we have, you know, families, and houses, and all of that shit? You need that. You go crazy without it_ , and that didn't really clear it up for Steve, at all, but he didn't want to admit it and seem really stupid?

He thinks he might understand it now.

This whole thing kind of snuck up on him, and he's never _been_ starved before, so maybe it makes sense that Steve didn't know that that was what was happening to him.

Maybe things aren't working, but maybe they _are_ , because nothing _that_ weird is going on, right?

Nothing's changed.

He's _always_ had this shitty personality, and he's _always_  eaten like a fucking monster, and. 

Well.

_Okay_ , Steve shocked himself by sleeping a _lot_ after Eleven closed the gate.

Most nights, he slept like a fucking _baby_ , all the way through NovemberDecemberJanuaryFebruary, but then March and April were sort of wild, and now, May is  _really_ kicking his ass.

He's tired, he's lonely, and he's _still_ not desperate to have sex with Billy, but he is desperate for _something_.

Maybe he just hasn't been starved for long enough, because he's not hungry for this the way Billy is, but he still needs something that's going to hit him the way love usually does.

It doesn't need to be _real_.

It just needs to be close enough that Steve can trick himself into thinking it is.

It's not wrong to get that from Billy.

Billy _wants_ to give it to him, so.

Maybe it's not the _right_ thing to do, but it can't be the _wrong_ thing to do, and.

That's close enough.

He tips his head back until it hits the door, but it doesn't hurt. 

There's no electricity rushing through him, making him sweat, waking up his brain.

Nothing's hitting him like Nancy hit him after he and Tommy called her a slut, hitting him like Tommy almost did after he called Carol an asshole, hitting him like Billy did after Steve lied to him.

That's still _real_ fucked up, now that Steve's thinking about it?

Billy shouldn't have _hit_ Steve; he should have called the cops, or something.

If Steve had found _Billy_ like that, with a bunch of scared little kids he wasn't letting go outside, he thinks _he_ would have called the cops, so.

Yeah.

If he's _gonna_ fool around with Billy, they're gonna _have_ to talk out Billy's severe issues with babysitting before that turns into a problem, and.

Billy only got started about two minutes ago, _maybe_ three, and there's no way he was expecting Steve to shoot _that fucking fast_ , but he's pulling back again, going, "Harrington, are you _okay_? Harrington?  _Steve_." He opens his eyes, looks straight ahead, eyes Billy where he's gnawing nervously at his lower lip. "You okay? _Jesus_ , what the hell is your _problem_ , I—"

When Steve kisses him, Billy shuts up, takes it, leans into it, and he doesn't _taste_ like someone who's just been giving head?

He tastes like coffee, and a little like cinnamon chewing gum, and a _lot_ like blood.

That _shouldn't_  be what love tastes like.

It definitely fucking  _does_ taste like love, but.

Steve knows that it shouldn't.

It's not _really_ love. 

It's _not_.

He chokes out, " _Please_."

Billy looks confused, but then he just looks like he always does.

Hungry, and sort of bored, and happy just to be _talking_ to Steve.

"What, Harrington?"

And Steve _doesn't_ feel like an asshole, but there _is_ something mildly painful about watching Billy flinch back in surprise when Steve finishes, " _Please_ shut up."

_—I came here to make you dance tonight.  
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you, and I don't even know what kind of fool you're taking me for.  
_


	4. (the scene is dead) long live the (scene)

_yeah, it's alright; I can love you like a sailor._  
_I can make you dance all night—_

Steve doesn't like the word  _bitch_.

Before Billy moved to Hawkins, he didn't hear it very often. 

His mom raised him not to say it, and Tommy's mom did, too, but the girls at work are fucking  _bitches_ , and Steve _hates_ them.

It's out of character for him, but maybe he's just too _tired_ to put up with girls?

He's been sleeping a lot better this month, and this _should_ be the easiest summer of Steve's life, but it's _not_ , mainly because Mom got drunk and crashed Steve's car right after graduation, and Dad threatened to kick Steve out when he covered for her, so  _then_ Steve had to go out and get himself a job to keep Dad happy, but the only job he was able to score was at Scoops Ahoy, where he has to dress like an exceptionally gay sailor every day, and he has to feel like he's about to _freeze_ to death even though it's eighty degrees,  _every day_ , and he has to say  _ahoy_ , a hundred times a day, every _motherfucking_ day, so. 

Yeah.

He's been busy.

He's been so busy that he hasn't gotten laid since he fucked Rachel Abramowitz during Tina's graduation party. 

He's an idiot, so he fucked her without a condom, and he's been paranoid about it ever since, to the point where he's almost  _praying_ for another wild Upside Down monster apocalypse,  _just_ so he won't have to deal with a baby, and, of _course_ , Rachel is friends with Robin, who works with Steve most days, _and_ she's friends with Diane, who works with Steve sometimes when he picks up the late shift, _and_ she's friends with Kate, but not really, because _everyone knows_ that Kate's not really friends with _anyone_ , because she's a two-faced bitch.

There's that word again. 

Steve doesn't _care_. 

This job isn't a permanent part of his life. 

After Dad found out that Steve didn't apply to any schools, he called in a bunch of favors, stood over Steve's shoulder while he rewrote his admissions essay, and he must have thrown around a _shitload_ of money, too, because he seems _real_ confident that Steve is going to get an acceptance letter, or a waitlist offer, any day now. 

Dad _might_ be crazy, and Steve _might_ never be going to college, or. 

Dad might know  _exactly_ what he's doing, and Steve might be heading to college, next spring. 

He's stuck in Hawkins until then, but his parents are off his back, his job is annoying but easy enough, and, _hey_ , at least the mall won't _always_ be as busy as it is now?

It's the hottest new thing Hawkins has seen in a _long_ time, but the appeal should wear off in a month or two, and. 

And, anyway, he gets to refuse service to the people who walk into Scoops Ahoy shirtless, and Billy does that about twice a week, so  _that's_ fun. 

June's been okay.

It could be worse, right?

Thinking about how it could be worse is what gets Steve through the really shitty days of his life, but this isn't one of those. 

This is a day where Mom and Dad are out of town, where Steve has the day off work, where Billy came over at ten and drove them out of Hawkins and into the city so they could catch the earliest showing of  _The Goonies_  because Billy's getting better at giving head, but he _only_ likes doing it when he thinks Steve's too preoccupied to pay attention to him, like he thinks Steve's _not_ hyperaware of everything that's going on when he's getting blown.

_Yeah_ , there are people around, and there's a movie playing, but that's not enough to distract Steve from the _real_ show, the one where Billy Hargrove's down on his knees between Steve's legs, wrapping his lips around Steve's cock, sucking like he thinks Steve's gonna save his fucking _life_ just by coming down his throat. 

Steve's starting to think Billy _wants_ them to get caught, but he never complains about getting his jeans dirty, when he's done, and a girl _definitely_ would, so Steve's just gonna keep taking whatever he can get until that stops working out for him. 

He's seen this movie  _four times_ , but he didn't mind going to see it again today.

It was okay, and stopping to grab onion rings on the way back was okay, too, but then Steve thought maybe Billy's Chevy was breaking down, or something, until Billy sighed, _fuel's on empty_ , and they had to walk a mile and a half to a gas station in _ninety degree weather_ , and Steve's getting _increasingly_ pissed off about that.

It's fucking _hot_ , he's _fucking_ annoyed, and _Billy's_ acting like _he's_ the one who's pissed off, but Steve's never held back from being in a bad mood just because somebody _else_ is in a bad mood, too? 

Or, _okay_ , he's done that with _girls_ , because he knows that's the only way to treat girls and still get laid, but he's _not_ doing that with Billy, because.

Fuck.

He doesn't _have_ to.

Billy's gonna give it up no matter _what_ kind of mood Steve is in.

It's a quiet but extremely tense walk to the gas station, up until Billy clears his throat to say, "I don't have any cash." 

"You want me to put _gas_ in your car?" And he _knows_ that must sound really shitty, but Dad already paid the garage to fix the BMW, and he doesn't want Steve to pay him back, but he does _want you to learn how to be responsible, Steven_ , so Steve's been forced to waste all his paychecks on dumb shit like buying his own groceries, and, _Jesus_ , the other day, the lights went out at the house, so Steve spent his _entire_ lunch break on the phone, trying to get a hold of Dad, before he gave up and called the electric company to try to work out a way to pay them their fucking money? Having a job is turning out to be cruel and unusual, as far as punishments go, and if he _could_ , Steve would move into his own place, so that he could be responsible for a less expensive electricity bill, but his car's all fucked up, and. It's _Hawkins_. There's nowhere to _go_. "Are you fucking _kidding_ me?"

"I'll pay you back," Billy promises.

He doesn't sound very sure about it, though, and gas is $1.19 a gallon, and Steve's not getting paid again until _next week_ , but.

Billy paid for the movie, anyway.

Steve hands him a ten dollar bill, lets Billy head into the station by himself, wanders around the side of the building toward the bathroom, where one of the lights is burnt out, and the other one is flickering like it's gonna give up the ghost at any fucking second.

The lighting's bad, but it's not bad enough to be the reason why his hair looks like shit, so now Steve's feeling even _more_ pissed off as he tugs his shirt over his head, drenches it in cold water from the sink, then squeezes water down over his head, starts wiping down his face and the back of his neck, and he gets another look at his face, a look that lasts for five seconds, _tops_ , before the other light burns out.

_Great_. 

He's alone, in the dark, dripping wet, yet still _totally_ overheated, and the thing is, Steve's sleeping alright, these days, but he loses track of time at work, sometimes?

But that's _normal_.

Steve daydreams.

It's a _boring_ job.

Maybe the girls won't admit it, but they _have_ to be daydreaming through it, too.

But Steve gets a free scoop of ice cream every day he's at work, but he's not about to eat ice cream _every day_ , so he usually gives it to Dustin, if he comes by, but sometimes that means Steve gives Dustin _two_ scoops, if the kid drops by twice, because, sometimes, Steve thinks it's a brand new day, and.

And, like now, he loses track of time.

The door opens and closes too quickly for him to be able to see who just walked in, but the room's not very big, so whoever it is definitely fucking saw _him_ , right? 

They _saw_ him, dazed and alone in a filthy bathroom, and then _walked in anyway_ , so. 

"I'm gonna _tear_ your fucking _dick_ off if you try _—_ "

" _Jesus_ , Harrington," Billy breathes, and he's _close_ , maybe leaning against the sink, or. _Definitely_ leaning against the sink, reaching out to slip three of his thick fingers through one of Steve's belt loops, pressing, "Why're you so _fucking_ uptight?"

"Why are you  _feeling me up_ in the bathroom, like a bitch in heat?"

Billy pulls Steve closer, grabs his ass in a way that feels _unnecessarily_ aggressive, laughs, "Tell me how you  _really_ feel about me, King Steve."

It doesn't seem like he _actually_ wants to know how Steve _really feels about him_ , because Billy's tongue gets to work on licking over Steve's neck, like he wants to fucking  _eat_ Steve's sweat, which is gross, but _Billy's_ gross, so Steve lets him do it once, twice, before Billy kisses his skin, sucks hard at Steve's throat like he's not hungry anymore, but he still wants to leave a mark.

There's that fucking _neediness_ again, and, as it turns out, that's a _lot_ less fun to play around with when Steve's in a bad mood, and he's _tired_ , and, Christ, Billy _just_ sucked him off an hour ago, so he's probably not gonna want to do it again so fast?

When Steve tries to back away from him, Billy follows him, kisses at the corner of his mouth, murmurs, " _Hey_ , baby, don't be like that."

Steve wants to laugh, but he _doesn't_ , because. 

Well. 

Now, he's a little less sure that he can count on Billy no matter what?

He kisses Billy, keeps his tongue to himself, keeps it sweet, keeps it _innocent_ , like the kisses he used to give girls under the bleachers back when he was in middle school.

He kisses Billy, kisses Billy a little harder when he threads his fingers through Billy's hair, stops kissing Billy just long enough to lie, "I'm sorry."

_I'm sorry_ always goes over well with girls. 

Steve kind of fucking _hates_ having to say it, because he doesn't see why _he's_ gotta apologize if he hasn't _done_ anything?

Right now, he _hasn't_ done anything, but he doesn't hate that he apologized to Billy. 

He came an hour ago, but Billy didn't, and this is a great opportunity for him to push Steve into _finally_ giving him head, because Steve hasn't been doing that, because that's _not_ what this arrangement is about, and he's not tense or worried or scared when Billy turns them around and gets Steve moving, but he _should_ be.

He should be getting worked up, but.

Billy herds him over to the door, grabs a couple red gallons of gas off of the ground, says, "Don't be sorry.  _I'm_ sorry. Come on, pretty boy; I'll take you home."

_I'm sorry_ always goes over well.

No one's ever told Steve  _not_ to say it. 

It's still bright as hell outside, and _that's_ annoying, and they've only made it a few feet down the road before a noise hits his ears and gets _real_ _fucking annoying_ , so Steve stops walking, waits, works things out. 

"What the fuck is this?"

A few steps ahead of him, Billy turns around, paces backwards, shrugs his shoulders.

"The cashier was an asshole."

"And you thought that meant you had to _jack_ _a keychain_?"

It _sounds_ dumb, because it fucking _is_ , and Billy's not usually dumb.

But he grins at Steve, winks, throws his head back on a howling laugh of, " _Long_ live King Steve!"

The keychain is cheap as shit.

It's pretty small, it's shaped like a king's crown, and it's clipped onto Steve's jeans, where the gold paint on it is _already_ chipping off, and part of Steve wants to point out that he's not Billy's _girlfriend_ , so he doesn't need Billy getting him _presents_. 

If anyone is _anyone's_ girl, Billy is _Steve's_ girl.

Billy's  _crazy_ about Steve, he's _paying_ for the privilege to choke on Steve's dick twice a week, and Steve _doesn't even like him_. 

But.

Yeah, it's _ugly_ , but the keychain's not half as tacky as most of the shit Billy tends to go for, so.

It's okay.

_Today_ was okay, right?

Things could be worse. 

_—because I'm the dream you've been waiting for._  
_I always dreamt that I would be your favorite._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> entirely forgot about updating this fic.  
> if youre new here, the joke is that it Could Be Worse, and it in fact gets So Much Worse in the very next chapter!  
> if youre not new, you knew it would be getting worse the second you read the first 'it could be worse.'  
> hi. im predictable and mean.

**Author's Note:**

> pls comment or something if you want to see the next chapter? this entire fic is written but its vaguely a 5+1 fic so...whatever. its in chapters. idk. hi.
> 
> [im on tumblr here if you want to be friends or anything.](http://midgemaisell.tumblr.com/) 
> 
> fic title from the 80s classic _faith_ by my main man george michael.  
> chapter 1 title and opening/closing lyrics from _the city is at war_ by cobra starship.  
> chapter 2 title and opening/closing lyrics from _damn you look good and im drunk (scandalous)_ by cobra starship.  
> chapter 3 title and opening/closing lyrics from _guilty pleasure_ by cobra starship.  
> chapter 4 title and opening/closing lyrics from _the scene is dead; long live the scene_ by cobra starship.


End file.
